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Letters From The Outside (4/?)


Brendon had to be extra careful with Ryan these days. He was just so breakable.

With one last gentle-rough thrust Brendon came inside Ryan, careful not to collapse on him, Brendon pulled out and lay down next to his lover. Ryan's eyes were heavy-lidded, sweat beading his sallow skin.

Brendon watched Ryan as his breathing slowed and his sweat cooled. Brendon had never been so frightened in his life. Frightened of what he could lose, what would happen afterwards, how he could cope.

Sleep didn't snag him until early morning, when he was sure Ryan would be safe and alive when he awoke.

 

His dreams were plagued with funerals and skeletons.

-------

"Hey Brendon, you getting up today?"

Brendon looked up into Ryan's hollowed-out, worried face. He was about to speak before a cloud of black washed over his head. He let out a choked gasp and decided he'd miss Ryan's nose when he died.

"I'll tell the nurse." Ryan said quietly, disappearing from his side. Brendon whimpered into the blackness that was his mind and waited for his light to come back.

Brendon's life was ruled by pills. On one of his down days, like today, when you think, when you <i>know</i> there's no good, no justice in this world, he needs extra pills.  Up days, not so much, just a few to keep him stable. He hated the pills, hated how they made him feel like a watery imprint of himself.

If god lets people like Ryan die, good, innocent people who had just happened to get an illness, if he lets them die, then there's no fairness. This was what dragged Brendon under most times- losing Ryan.

There was the noise of authoritative, sensible shoes coming down the corridor, then into his and Ryan's room. It was Nurse Hanley bearing those little capsules of escape.

She clucked her tongue and patted Brendon's arm through the blankets. He moved away from her comforting touch.

"C'mon now, take the pills, have a sleep. See how you feel. If it takes a couple of days, don't worry, we've got you."

Brendon let himself relax the slightest bit at the nurse's words. He felt the bed dip slightly as Ryan sat next to him, reaching out a hand to stroke his hair. Brendon let him, needing the physical closeness.

The next few days were dark but getting lighter. On the fourth day Brendon got up with Ryan and went to breakfast with him. Brendon picked at his food, still morose and Ryan picked at his, still ill.

"Eat something." Brendon demanded quietly. Ryan stared at him.

"What?"

"I love you."

The two boys ate in silence, tears running identical tracks down their faces. Afterwards Brendon wound his arms around Ryan to stop him from running to the toilet to throw up. They sat in their strange embrace, foreheads touching, eyes closed.

------

Brendon was more or less back to his normal self. He laughed and sang but no one could miss the edge to his happiness. He shoved his glasses back up his nose and looked up from the book he was reading. Ryan was sitting next to him, curled tightly into himself. Brendon wondered how he could love a skeleton.

"Did you hear? Hayley spoke yesterday."

"What did she say?" Ryan asked in his wooden monotone. Brendon remembered he thought Ryan was rude when he first met him, now he knew that that's just how he speaks.

"She told Gerard that the angels were angry. Then she freaked and had to be put on sedatives." Brendon shrugged, drawing a bitten-down fingernail over a barely scabbed over cut. "Figures. The ones that don't speak always see things."

Ryan smiled a little and that little touch of emotion just lit his face. Brendon sighed and hugged him close, pressing his lips to Ryan's neck. Anyone could see that Ryan was a kid sitting and waiting round for Death, who was running just a little late.

"Hey Bren, I'm not leaving you." Ryan muttered, slightly amusedly. Brendon flared up, then felt something drop inside him. He felt the need to curl up somewhere dark with his ipod and a comforting hand. Instead he clung tighter onto Ryan's bony shoulders. Frank sloped past, probably stalking Gerard again, and gave Brendon a sad look. Everyone knew about the two boys destructive relationship, but few knew about what Brendon was going to do if Ryan died. Frank didn't know, but he could guess.

"Of course you aren't Ry, you wouldn't leave me." Brendon muttered into Ryan's hair, feeling Frank's sympathetic eyes on the two of them.

Brendon wondered how William was doing. And Gabe. He hoped they were doing good, he honestly did. Maybe if William got better Ryan would see how happy they were together.

Brendon let himself get lost in a fantasy where Ryan was a normal weight and he himself was stable and happy. They lived together in a small flat, completely in love. Brendon was interrupted from his happy faux-future by a apprehensive little voice. He opened his eyes, blowing aside some of Ryan's hair that was in his face and focusing on the person standing in front of him. It was Hayley, bright hair a little roughed up, but not looking as bad as she usually did.

"Hi, Hayley, you're looking good." Brendon said pleasantly. Hayley ignored his friendly greeting.

"They're coming for you soon." She said, clear eyes looking only at Ryan. She looked sad. "Too soon. The angels." Her eyes then flicked to Brendon, who was frozen in shock, fear and astonishment. "They won't be long coming for you too, after they take your love."

She gave them a nervous smile. Brendon realised she were waiting for either of them to speak. He looked at Ryan, who looked pale and scared.

"What d'you mean?"

"The angels tell me stuff." She whispered in a conspiring voice. "Stuff about the people here. Like, they're angry with Gerard for destroying his beauty, and with William for not expressing his love. And they are saddened for you two lovers because you can't see what really matters. They weep for you."

Brendon stared at the slender little girl, a girl who he'd only seen talk a handful of times in the long while he'd been in the institute. He reached out a hand towards her, she flinched back.

"There aren't angels." He said softly. Hayley cocked her head quizzically.

"Of course there are. Who else claims you when the world has given up all hope?"

Brendon watched her go helplessly, then looked down at Ryan. He was shaking, eyes glassy. Brendon panicked a little, maybe this was it. The end.

"Ryan, Ryan, talk to me." Brendon says urgently, ignoring the other people's stares. Ryan retracted his arm from around Brendon's waist and curled it around himself. He was shaking pretty violently now. Brendon hugged his love to himself but this just made him cry, horrible broken sobbing as he curled away from Brendon.

Brendon sat back helplessly as his heart shattered and the nurses bought sedatives to calm Ryan down.

He hoped to god Hayley was just delusional.

------

Brendon tapped gently on the door to his and Ryan's room. A mumbled 'come in' came from inside. He pushed it open.

Ryan was looking at him from under heavy lids. The sedatives weren't that strong then, if he was awake. Brendon sat down next to him and took his bony hand in his own, not quite understanding how a body could look so ill. Ryan's skin was stretched tight over the bone underneath. Brendon rubbed his thumb over the marks on Ryan's knuckles, from his teeth biting down when he throws up, and tried not to let his emotions show.

"Angels aren't real." Brendon said softly. Ryan looked at him, a dull spark of fear in his eyes.

"Of course they are Brendon, if god is real, then angels must be too."

Brendon shrugged. He wasn't sure whether he believed in god anymore, not while the boy he loved was like this.

"They said I was going to die." Ryan said softly, his breath hitching, just a ghost of his earlier panic. Brendon kissed him comfortingly, lips moving gently. Ryan clung onto Brendon, as if he was a drowning man and Brendon's kisses were air to his tortured lungs. They broke away, Ryan looked alive once more, still glassy-eyed from the sedatives, but colour was in his cheeks.

"I'm not dying Brendon, cos I'll drag you down with me."

Brendon swallowed a lump in his throat, kissing his brave boyfriend again. "Of course you won't, cos I'm helping you. We're both gonna get better, you'll be healthy, I'll be able to deal with my bipolar disorder, and I'll stop cutting. We'll live somewhere nice and have cats and..."

Brendon chattered on, telling Ryan all about his fantasy life. The same one he had been dreaming up before Hayley turned Ryan's life upside-down. Brendon knew Ryan had thought himself invincible before, he couldn't die because he wasn't skinny enough to die. And that was what he actually believed. As Brendon looked down at Ryan's now content golden eyes he realised something, something that should have been obvious.

Ryan didn't think himself fat, he knew he was skinny. He knew he was going to die. Brendon had heard William talk about it before, seeing that 'ugly-beautiful, skinny-fat' person in the mirror. Brendon understood completely now.

He kissed Ryan's bitten knuckles and laughed quietly as Ryan continued his fantasy life for him, barely above a low mumble.

"And we'll have a white picket fence, a small patio where our children can play in the sun. When it rains they'll get a bit of cabin fever, because they'd have learned it from you. But we'd calm them down by sitting down in front of a film that they love while we snuggle under a blanket together."

Ryan looked up at Brendon through his long lashes. They were beaded with tears. Brendon let out that little sob that had been lurking in his heart, growing ever bigger and blacker as time went by. As soon as that sob was loose, a whole flood came. Ryan sat up a little, brushing the thumb of his free hand over Brendon's face, kissing away his tears.

"It'll happen, just you see."

Brendon wished so desperately that those words would be true.

 

 

Comments

(Deleted comment)
ieattricky
Dec. 10th, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC)
Re: wooooo!
Haha, nah, I ain't killing Ryan xD

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