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Letters From The Outside (3/?)

Title: Letters From The Outside
Author: <ljuser=ieattricky/>
Rating: PG
Pairing:
Gabe/William Ryan/Brendon (future Brendon/Gerard Gerard/Frank)
POV:
William
Summary: William and Gabe have recently been discharged from an institute for troubled kids. Ryan and Brendon are still in. Shit goes down.
Disclaimer: I do not own these precious, angsty boys.
Beta:
I need a beta actually. Anyone?
Author Notes:  Don't read if you don't like cutting, blood, anorexia, bulimia, cuteness, stupidity, Brendon Urie, institution boys and angsty angst. (Also totally stolen from my deviantART, so there we go.)

Anorexia is a glamorised thing.

Some people wish for it, standing in front of the mirror, frowning at chunky thighs or round faces. Some people lie that they have it, which is just awful. If they knew what it was like, the desire to eat, but the desire to be skinny battling with each other, the relentless need to exercise, the distrust, the fear. If they knew these things, they would not want or lie.

Most celebrities have it, flaunting their protruding collarbones and stick thin legs. Teenagers look at these women and see beauty and fame. That's when the wanting starts.

William looked at himself in the mirror. Poking his stomach and frowning. A pair of tan hands slipped round his waist.

"Quit that you hunk." Gabe said seriously in his ear, stirring little strands of hair with his breath. William batted him away, but he was smiling, momentarily forgetting about the mirror. Gabe kissed him gently. William kissed back, sliding his hands up Gabe's arms, feeling a few bumps here and there from particularly deep cuts.

"Your mum is so watching us proudly." Gabe mumbled amusedly. William stepped back from Gabe quickly, scowling.

"Mum!" He exclaimed. His mum was standing in the doorway of his room, a full basket of laundry in her hands and a genuine smile on her face. It had been a long time since William had seen her smile like that. She knocked on the doorframe, as if in afterthought.

"Dinner's ready boys." She said softly, smiling that amazing smile once more and walking off, leaving the two boys in a silence that was full of fear and hope.

"Maybe you could eat a whole portion tonight?" Gabe mused, the words sending lances of shame through William. William nodded weakly.

"Maybe."

Anorexics have their little tricks- chopping up food small, pushing it around so it looks like they've eaten more than they have…a whole host of smart tricks designed to keep the parents from catching on to what they're doing.

William started pushing food round his plate, but he looked up and met Gabe's eyes. He smiled encouragingly. William dropped his head. He wasn't strong enough to beat this, he used to think he was, back in the institute when the fattest kid was Gerard, who was pretty slim. He used to think he was but he soon realised that living on the outside was so different from on the inside.

"Mum, Gabe and I are going out tomorrow with friends kay?" William mumbled, eating a piece of steak gingerly. His mum smiled hugely, even his dad looked gruffly pleased.

"Okay honey."

William nodded and the usual dinner-silence descended on them. Gabe had taken it upon himself recently to break it.

"I, uh." William closed his eyes and prayed to god Gabe wasn't going to say anything vulgar. "When does school start?"

William let the conversation drift around him, focusing on his plate. He'd separated the vegetables from the meat from the potato and he ate them all in order.

Anorexia is a glamorised thing, but it's far from it.

-------

"William?"

Gabe's voice was crudely loud in the silent, peaceful night. William drew his head away from Gabe's steady heartbeat.

"Hmm?" He hummed sleepily, blinking up into Gabe's sweet, tan face. Gabe pressed a kiss to William's forehead.

"I just wanna…try something?"

William nodded sleepily, hoping Gabe's dance routine wouldn't be too loud or long. He jerked back as Gabe's hands knotted in his hair, planting open mouthed kisses on his lips. William relaxed, at least Gabe wasn't doing anything too different from usual.

William tensed up as Gabe's hands slipped from his hair, down his arm and continuing on towards his hipbone. It rested there for a minute, Gabe soothing William's unease with more kisses. But when his fingers dipped below the waistband of William's boxers, he froze and pushed Gabe's hand away.

"I…don't want to. Please." He looked at Gabe imploringly. The excited light in Gabe's eyes dimmed slightly, but he smiled, a little sadly William thought.

"Okay. I…understand. It's not easy for you."

William could practically hear the unspoken thoughts running through Gabe's head. Ryan lets Brendon fuck him, and he's worse than you. It was as clear as day.

Gabe kissed William once more on the forehead, then closed his eyes, hands wrapped loosely around William's skinny shoulders.

Soon the only sound in the room was the sound of deep breathing and the sigh of William's stupid, stupid heart.

-------

"William!"

William jerked awake, getting a face-full of Gabe's bright underwear. He wrinkled his nose, but smiled.

"Dude, gross."

"Don't pretend you don't like it."

Gabe smirked, winking at William before turning to the closet and pulling out a pair of equally bright pants. William watched him pull on a pair of jeans over them, eyes focusing on Gabe's long muscles. William closed his eyes, not believing how stupid he had been the night before. He had Gabe exactly how he wanted him- ready and willing to do whatever he wanted. But no, he had to ruin it. For a moment he had actually believed that they were going to do it, but he panicked and backed away. He stared down at the sheets and knotted his fingers together.

"Yo Bill, get dressed, or I'll molest you." Gabe said jokingly. It was strange, as if last night never happened. William threw the blankets back over himself.

"Maybe I'll just stay." He said, voice muffled by the cotton. He heard Gabe laugh and then he ripped the blanket off.

"I have to molest you now." Gabe said seriously. William smiled.

William's mum knocked on the door just as Gabe was about to bring his lips to William's neck. William groaned.

"Oh my god what?" He yelled, Gabe's arms still on either side of him.

"Honey, Andrew's outside!"

William muttered a death threat under his breath.

"One minute!" He shouted. William sat up, Gabe moving with him. He looked disappointed. "C'mon, Butcher's an impatient ass." William said gently, poking his boyfriend and kissing him hard.

"Fine." Gabe muttered, rolling his eyes and leaning into William's kiss.

------

It was almost like the old days, before William and Adam got ill. 'Course, Adam would never be able to sit on the beach and build fires ever again. William buried his face in Gabe's shoulder and pretended to be shielding himself from the smoke, wiping his eyes on the comfortingly Gabe-smelling hoodie.

Adam had been William's best friend. They'd gone to shcool together, lived near each other, played in a band together. Got ill together.

Adam had died a few months ago while he and William were still in the institution. He hadn't responded to any of the therapy, didn't want to get better and used every fucking trick in the book to avoid eating. It still hurt, the realisation that William would never be able to talk to him again.

William couldn't quite believe he'd been out a whole day. Butcher had dragged them everywhere, showing William around as if he'd forgotten where everything was. William didn't mind, he liked being around Butcher, he was happy and silly.

"Dude, get some more wood!" Mike called across to Nate, who was lying on the sand next to Alex and Ryland and smoking a joint. Grumbling good-naturedly, the stocky boy wandered off in search of driftwood. The fire was quite high, sending dancing blue sparks into the night sky.

"I love a driftwood fire." Gabe murmured in William's ear, tightening his arm around William's chest. William shifted a little in Gabe's lap, leaning back against his chest.

"Yeah." He sighed. "The colours are so pretty."

The only sounds for a moment was the gentle murmur of the waves, the crackling of the bonfire and Butcher and Michael's laughter. Nate brought back some wood and tossed it into the flames, they all watched as it flared higher and bluer.

"Adam would've liked this." Butcher said, eyes sad and distant. Adam had been his long-term boyfriend, and William knew that if the absence of Adam was like a sharp rock in his heart, it was even worse for Butcher. They were all silent for a moment, immersed in memory.

"Hey, c'mon, this is Bill's welcome home party! Let's not be sad." Jon's faux-cheerful voice rang out across the suddenly quiet beach. There were a few smiles and murmurs of 'yeah, I guess.' and everyone was back to normal. Butcher smiled as Spencer offered him a beer, but sat apart from everyone, face clouded.

William gradually let the general happiness and good feelings wash over him, he leant back into Gabe, opening his mouth for a rough kiss. Gabe responded all too eagerly. There were a few catcalls and whistles as William twisted in Gabe's lap so he could get closer. Gabe chuckled against his lips and pushed him back.

"Hey hey calm down. People are staring."

William stared at Gabe, he had never stopped William from kissing him before. William ran spindly fingers over his sharp face. Maybe he was too skinny for Gabe to kiss, or maybe he was too fat for Gabe to kiss?!

"Gabe?" He mumbled, looking questioningly into Gabe's eyes. Gabe just smiled quickly.

The rest of the night went downhill from there. William couldn't relax, couldn't enjoy himself. He was too busy worrying. He couldn't even drink a beer or smoke the joint that was making it's lazy way round the group because he didn't even want to consider the amount of calories they had.

At around 12am Gabe stood up, slightly unsteadily. He called across to Butcher, already close friends with him even though they'd only met this morning.

"Yo Butcher! How much you had?"

"Just a few." Butcher called back. Gabe grinned and yanked him up, motioning for William to follow. "C'mon, it's waaaay past my bedtime."

William followed the two lightly buzzed men back to the car, head down morosely, listening to them talk about anything and everything. In the car back Gabe didn't cuddle up to William as much as he usually would, and that set William's heart thumping quickly. He caught a glimpse of himself in the rear-view mirror, his face looked hideously fat. He thought 110 pounds was too fat, but Gabe kept on saying it wasn't. Now he knew.

Butcher dropped them off with a cheerful wave. William ran upstairs and into his bedroom, glancing quickly towards his parents room, before remembering they were out.

He found himself in front of the full-length mirror in his room again while Gabe grabbed a beer from the fridge. He analyzed every part of himself, hating what he saw. He just wanted that fat-skinny boy in the mirror to go away forever.

Before he knew what he was doing, his fist was smashing through the glass with surprising strength and there was blood running down his wrist. He stood there in shock for a moment, watching the ruby blood trickle down his bony wrists, before Gabe's startled and worried voice reached his ears.

"Oh my god."

William turned to face the boy he loved so much, tears trickling down his face. Gabe stepped closer to him nervously.

"Gabe." William choked out, still holding his bloodied hand awkwardly, the stabbing pain racing through his veins.

"Oh William." Gabe said quietly, enclosing William in a smoky hug.



Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
ieattricky
Dec. 6th, 2010 10:41 pm (UTC)
HE LAAAAAHHHVS CHOO

Sure ;)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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